Meeting Dan
by anonfangirling
Summary: Bella, aged 18, meets Dan Howell and they fall for each other... This is my first fanfic so there are a lot of errors, grammar mistakes and other things that I will correct at some point!:) Btw there's no actual sex scenes in this - just kissing. Haha thanks for reading, remember to leave a review. I've finished this one now...I think it came to a good, natural end, aha:)
1. Chapter 1

Spring was slowly seeping into the trees that circled the park, twisting low browns and khaki greens into the branches. Sunlight was dripping through the gaps in the spindly branches and twigs, dappling Carla's face with gold and white as she chattered on to me about the new stationary store that had appeared next to her flat. I wasn't listening. I'd somehow numbed her voice and closed off my eardrums to the high pitched splashes of noise that hadn't stopped for at least an hour as she'd talked on and on without seeming to notice my daydreams and inattention.

The park was almost empty today. It was cold and the sun was forming no protection against the gyrating breezes that ruffled the fresh, dewy air of early February. Neither did my thin black hoodie that hung softly over my shoulders, decorated with badges and pins – memories that I collected and worn, to remind me of people and things that's I'd enjoyed and loved. I began to fiddle with a green internet-safety badge that I'd picked up at the post office after admiring the big, gaudy smiley-face in the middle of it. Carla's hand suddenly interrupted my recollection.

'Bella! Oh my god, Bella look!' She clasped my shoulder and I winced as her fingernails dug into my skin.

I looked up. Carla was wide eyed and gazing over my shoulder across the grimy tarmac to where I could hear the fountains spitting and showering the grass in the wind. 'What, Car?'

'It's Dan Howell – look for god's sake, look, he's right there!' she shrieked. Noticing my blank expression, she sighed impatiently. 'Bella, you can't be telling me you don't know who Dan Howell is…?'

I shrugged and looked over my shoulder to where her quivering finger was outstretched. A guy a year or so older than me in skinny black jeans and a llama-shaped spirit hood was walking through the park, hands in his pockets. His dark chocolate brown hair obscured one eye, the other visibly looking in our direction. I cringed silently. Hot boys and me – they didn't mix… Famous hot boys and me? Well I was about to find out.

'Oh my gosh, he's seen me! Dan can see me!' Carla hissed, clinging to my arm. 'Bella, what do I do? He's coming towards us and I don't know what to say – I'm going to mess up or something. Bella, stop staring at him, it's weird. He's going to think we're paedophiles or something, look away, look-'

I cut her off. 'Car, if you're so nervous, why don't I do the talking?' I was constantly aware of 'Dan' drawing ever closer to us. As he neared us, I could see the boyish grin that curved his mouth and the dark hazel of his eyes. This was hot on a whole new level, no wonder Carla liked him so much she was almost cataleptic in his presence.

'Hey girls,' he said.

Carla's face had melted away into a sea of blotchy red embarrassment. 'Dan! I'm like you're biggest fan, ever!' she stumbled over her words, her voice suddenly sharp and forced, like a needle trying to force its way through canvas. She stood up and almost instantly tripped over.

'Woah, careful there Danosaur.' He laughed and helped her up. Carla's eyes were huge with embarrassed fear and admiration.

'Bells, take a photo.' Carla handed me her metallic red cell phone and looped her arms round Dan. He looked momentarily taken aback, before allowing himself to relax in her overexcited embrace. As Carla squished up to Dan's chest, which I now noticed was perfect, his smile became rather forced.

I smiled at him timidly, almost sympathetically as my hyperactive friend pressed her face inappropriately close to his body. To save any more awkwardness, I took the photo as fast as I could. For a second I felt Dan's gaze rest on me, and my heart fluttered clumsily. I stood, only a few centimetres shorter than him, gangly and tall for my sixteen years feeling tall and awkward, painfully aware of how I was biting my lip.

'Thanks, Dan!' Carla gasped. 'I love you!'

'Haha, no problem… um what's your name, Danosaur?' He smiled, again slightly forced as Carla insistently invaded his personal space.

'I'm Carla Davis, I follow you on Twitter!' she squealed.

'Great!' He said. I struggled with my jealously of my friend's current predicament as I buried her cell phone back in her handbag that lay forgotten on the park bench. I didn't even know who this Dan guy was, and already I was falling hopelessly in love with his dark chocolate eyes. His voice broke my daydream.

'And what's your name?' he asked me. I felt his eyes trace the contours of my face, then run down my neck and over my badge-covered hoodie and skinny jeans.

'Bella. Um you're Dan, right?' I said stupidly. Great, I'd now made myself look even more immature and thick than before.

He laughed and before either of us could say anything, Carla butted in. 'She's not a Danosaur. She doesn't even know who you are, Dan.' The soppy look in her eyes caused me to cringe again.

Dan chucked again. 'You aren't? Oh crap, sorry I've been assuming that you're also my number one fan…' He looked down, his expression ashamed, but painfully cute at the same time. 'I'm so sorry for being so naïve, I haven't even introduced myself properly. You're probably wondering who the hell I am. I'm Dan, a guy who just happens to lead an internet cult and have a radio 1 show, nice to meet you, Bella.'


	2. Chapter 2

He said my name… Dan had said my name again. My breath faltered in my lungs and emerged in tiny little gasps from my lips. I tried to smile without choking on my own saliva. 'Oh, right.' I said stupidly. 'I don't actually listen to radio 1, which is probably why I didn't know who you were, sorry, Dan.'

He smiled again, and for a second I felt a jolt of energy as our eyes met. I forced myself to look away from his soft ivory skin and to a pile of rust coloured leaves blowing in the uneven currents of icy cold air that were streaking through the park. I shivered in my hoodie.

From the depths of Carla's leather handbag, the cell phone I'd taken the photo on rung suddenly. Carla sighed.

Dan shifted awkwardly. 'I'll leave you to it.' he said to Carla. 'Bye, Carla, Bella.' As he said my name again, he smiled, a warm sincere smile, unlike the forcedly cheerful ones he'd given Carla. Our eyes linked again for one last moment before he sauntered back across the tarmac, his shirt dappled with delicate February sunlight. I finally dragged my eyes away from his departing figure. I knew I had to snap out of this, he was a celebrity – a Radio 1 presenter…No way could any relationship form between us. He barely knew my name.

_And, _I told myself firmly,_ he's older than you – much older than you. And if he was going to get with anyone it would be his biggest fan, Carla._

'Okay, Dan Howell.' I murmured softly to myself. I liked the way his name bounced off my tongue… Dan. I'd never really thought about that name before, but suddenly it seemed the perfect combination of letters. I knew I was being stupid again, but I just couldn't force the memory of his face from my head. Picturing his smile, my heart trembled again.

I was sat in front of my laptop, waiting for the Internet to load Twitter. I tapped the desk absently as the browser responded to my impatience, loading every inch of the page for what seemed like years.

My phone suddenly rang; I jumped, almost knocking over my coffee. It was Carla.

'Hey,' I said into the smooth shiny surface of my IPhone.

'Bells! Bella, listen!' she shrieked. I had to hold to the phone away from my face to prevent my eardrums from exploding. 'Dan followed me on Twitter, oh my god!'

A huge feeling of insecurity washed over me. Dan had followed Carla on Twitter… Not me, Carla. He liked Carla over me.

I feigned enthusiasm. 'Oh, that's great, Car.' I could feel my heart slamming furiously in my chest. 'Congrats.'

Carla didn't say anything for a moment. I could almost hear her breathing on the other end of the call. 'Bells… Are you jealous?'

I squeezed my eyes shut, wishing the kitchen tiles would swallow me up. If anyone could read my emotions with that effortlessness, it was Carla; why couldn't I be better at lying?

'No… Me? Jealous? No!' I said, laughing shakily. 'Of course I'm not! Why would I be? I don't even like Dan Howell. No, of course I'm- '

'Bella?' Carla interrupted.

'Yeah?' I said resignedly.

'Shut up.'

I was silent for a moment as I watched my slow internet connection finally load up Twitter. 'Okay fine, Car, I am. You got me.'

I could picture the Cheshire cat smirk that would be residing on Carla's face at that moment.

'You're thinking: why did Dan follow her instead of me? He doesn't fancy me, my life is over.' She said decisively.

'Pretty much.' I agreed. I put the IPhone on speaker and began to scroll through my Twitter feed. Nothing had happened since I'd logged on this morning… Of course there was the usual mess of tweets from my followers, but nothing of any importance.

'And I'm guessing you're now on Twitter, trying to see if Dan has tweeted you.' Carla said sweetly.

I remained sullenly silent. Why did she have to have that strangely telepathic ability to read my thoughts?

'For god's sake, he doesn't even know your second name! There could be billions of Bella's out there. He only found me because I tweeted him, now do you see why he hasn't followed you?' Carla exclaimed in frustration.

I sighed and took a sip of my coffee, which by this time had turned lukewarm, on the brink of cold even. 'I know… But isn't it also that he's a celebrity who has so many followers he can't afford to give a fuck about any of them? It's not like we're famous or worth talking to…' I paused miserably. 'We're just more middle-class teens who are drooling over Dan Howell.'

Carla sighed shortly. 'Bella I know. I'm not suddenly expecting him to ask for my hand in marriage or something… And yes it's hardly like we have some special connection with him, but didn't you see how he looked at you?'


	3. Chapter 3

'What… what do you mean?' I murmured.

I heard Carla sigh into the phone. It crackled over the speaker sounding like a paper bag being trodden on. 'He was checking you out, seriously. Didn't you see the way he was staring at you?'

She must have heard my sharp intake of breath because she then said: 'Bella, don't act so surprised… You're pretty, boys are constantly eyeballing your legs – you just never notice!'

'Okay, whatever you say, Carla. But I really think we're kidding ourselves that anything happened in the park today. He just treated us like he would any other sixteen-year old girls.' I continued to scroll through my Twitter feed until I found Carla's tweet to Dan. As I'd expected it was written in crazy-hyperactive-fan style, with more exclamation marks present than actual words.

'Well I still think that you should tweet him. He might follow you!' she said emphatically. 'I've got to go; Mum wants me to help her with something. See you tomorrow, Bells.'

'Okay; bye then Car.' I terminated the call and looked back to Twitter. In the search bar at the top I typed in 'Dan Howell'.

I didn't need to look twice before I saw him. In his profile picture, he stood, hands in his pockets, his soft coffee coloured hair obscuring one eye. The other emphasized the crooked, relaxed smile that curved his lips. For a few moments I dithered over the text box, wondering whether to tweet him or not. I bit my lip and just clicked the follow button instead and then folded the laptop down, dreading the long wait to see if he would follow me back or not.

For the following hour I started to watch some of his YouTube videos. I moved the mouse over each one – in every thumb nail his attractive, crooked smile caught my eyes and for the minutes of each video I became buried in the deep chocolaty brown of his irises. After just ten minutes of staring fixedly at the screen, my eyes never leaving his, I checked my emails.

There was a whole page full of junk-emails, mostly from scam-sites and surveys I'd done, desperately trying to win an Ipad. There was one at the top though… An email from Twitter.

It read: _Dan Howell, danisnotonfire is now following you!_

My heart climbed into my mouth and remained there for the seconds before I started to breathe again. Dan had actually followed me!

Mum, however, apparently could not see how intensely surprised and excited I was. 'Hey, Bells? Could you go down to the shops and pick up some milk for me? We've run out… again.' she sighed.

One hand still clinging to the corner of my laptop, I looked round complainingly. 'Aw, Mum…'

Mum's eyes narrowed sternly. 'Bells, if you didn't have so much coffee all the time, you wouldn't have to go. Now here's some money – can you get a four pint carton?' She pressed a ten pound note into my hand.

'Do we really need four pints? I don't drink that much- '

Mum's expression shut me up pretty quickly. 'Bells – go!'

I sighed, snatched up my IPhone, and swept out, closing my laptop down behind me. I grabbed my coat and beanie and headed outside our flat. The sky was a depressing Obsidian colour out through the window, the unnatural lighting yellow and dirty, giving the white walls a grimy chip-shop appearance – the smell only backing it up with the smell of a Chinese Takeaway. I hurried on. The smell didn't remotely appeal to me.

I took the lift down, as usual sniggering at the posh, overly articulate voice of the recording that was now saying: 'Going down.' I pulled out my IPhone and began to mess about on Nyan Cat, meowing along to the theme tune. To anyone else I would've looked completely insane, in my rainbow beanie and bright orange converse, pretending to be a cat, but I'd gotten used to myself.

The little computerized bell on the lift rang and the doors opened. I walked out of the building and along towards the park, suddenly recalling what had happened there just this morning. I smiled as I saw the park bench Carla and I had been sitting on, draped with overhanging branches that were now moving wildly in the biting wind that was writhing around me. I recoiled as rain drops began to shower my face.

_Typical Manchester, _I thought scathingly and increased my slow walk into a jog. The rain increased its tempo and the fine icy bullets slashed my face, inevitably turning my hair to wet brown seaweed. I looked down at my feet as they splashed through the rain water on the pavement… I sprayed my face with rainwater and looked up again, raindrops trickling down my nose.

That was the moment I saw them.


	4. Chapter 4

They had seen me and were closing in like predators, their hoods covering most of their faces like balaclavas. I walked quickly away… Muggers. They had to be. Why else would a group of young males like them be lurking around in the park, at night, in the rain?

I could hear their drunken laughter through the rain as I speed-walked away back towards the flats.

'Hey, sweetheart, come back here!' one of them yelled, his voice slurred with alcohol.

I glanced back over my shoulder; they were approaching, staggering over each other clutching cans of beer in their clenched fists. I was their new target. I wanted to run, but I knew I couldn't. If they caught even the slightest hint of fear then it would really not end well.

I tightened my hands into fists and forced myself to walk – not run – back away from them, the rain driving into my face, filling my eyes and mouth with water. My mind was screaming – what were they going to do to me if they caught me? I had my IPhone – what if they stole it? What if they stole me? I shivered and the next thing I knew I had slipped on the wet ground and was falling.

I landed on my side, my fall padded with wet leaves and wet earth, filling my nose with the scent of fresh leaves and cold soil. I struggled on the slippery mud, my hands slipping and sliding down when I tried to propel myself onto my knees. The stink of stale alcohol suddenly filled my nostrils.

They were getting closer to me.

Desperately, I scrabbled at the wet ground, my limbs sliding unsteadily as I frantically tried to stand up. I felt a hand clamp down on my shoulder, and a throng of bodies suddenly enclosed me.

I rolled over onto my back, staring up in panic.

'Alright, sweetheart, give us your purse.' One of them sneered, his oily hair falling in his face, wet with rainwater.

I flinched and pressed myself into the moist ground beneath me. I could feel my elbows sinking into the wet grass, embedding in the mud.

'Well? Give us your phone darling.' said another of the muggers. The others laughed and slurred at his words.

'Get lost.' I muttered, my voice faltering.

'_Get lost!'_ the guy with the greasy hair said mockingly.

I bit my lip and tried to stand up. As I struggled onto my heels, they pushed me back down again and began to unbutton my coat, quickly checking in each of my pockets before they snatched my purse, along with Mum's ten pound note that she'd given me. I resisted furiously, kicking and writhing under the guy's iron grip.

I aimed a kick at his stomach. He lurched backwards a little but I didn't have enough time to jump to my feet before his face was inches from mine, and his alcohol stained breath seeped into my nose.

'Do that again, darling, and I'll- '

Suddenly, he was ripped from me by an unknown force and someone grabbed my hand, pulling me to my feet.

'Come on, you need to run!'

I recognised that voice – smooth and articulate. My heart froze and for a second my whole world came to a halt. I looked up. Dan Howell looked back down at me, his eyes wide and frantic, and his hair wet and dark from the sheeting rain.


	5. Chapter 5

'Dan?' I whispered.

'Yeah, you can kiss me later but right now, we've got to run before a serious shit storm hits.' He said and his hand found mine, enclosing it firmly as he dragged me away. I let myself be tugged away from the seething group of druggies, my head blurred and confused.

'What- what are you doing here?' I queried, raising my voice above the downpour.

'Priorities!?' He shouted back, his face quizzically amused.

I glanced back over my shoulder. The group of guys had given up their chase and were sidling away, leaning over each other and slurring out curses.

'Bloody hell, Bella, are you okay?' Dan asked in concern, his brow creased slightly and his eyes wide and startled.

A warm fuzzy feeling enveloped my body… Dan remembered me. 'You know who I am?' I murmured dreamily, my legs fading to melting butter.

Dan laughed quietly as we walked through the buttery glow of the city lights. 'Of course I 'know who you are'; I met you and your friend this morning. It's not like I'm just going to forget… Do I look like an eighty year old with memory loss?'

I laughed. 'Ummm…' I teased. 'Well pretty close.'

He feigned outrage. 'Bella!' I chortled to myself and he elbowed me playfully. 'Wow, you look like you've been having fun in the mud back there.'

I cringed internally. Looking down at myself I observed the damage to my coat… it was completely brown with mud and the pockets were inside out. I remembered the stolen money and my eyes suddenly filled with tears as the shock of what actually had just happened hit me like a brick. Everything suddenly seemed too much… I'd been mugged and rescued by the hottest male you-tuber in history and I was now walking casually through Manchester with him, sprayed with mud. I stopped short in the street, the rain still beating down on us. A sob threatened to escape through my mouth.

'Bella? Are you okay? You seem a bit lightheaded, how about we go to Starbucks so you can sit down?' Dan asked. His fingers found mine again and my heart leapt into my mouth. 'Also, they're doing seasonal drinks at the moment, and the February latte is epic.'

'They- they took my money.' I mumbled weakly. My vision spun in spirals as reality washed over me. How was this happening to me? Famous, hot, _extremely-hot_ Dan Howell was taking me to Starbucks and… I'd just been mugged. I felt faint and clutched onto Dan's hand tighter.

'Fricking druggies.' He muttered. 'How much did they take?'

I fumbled over sums in my head, trying to add everything up. 'I don't know… My Mum gave me ten pounds to buy some milk and I think I had another five pounds in my purse- oh shit, where the fuck is my IPhone!' I gasped, beginning to frantically scour my pockets for the comforting metal tablet.

My hysterical fingers quickly found the cold smooth metal – a little damp with rain water, but nothing that could hurt it drastically. I exhaled in relief and yanked it out of my pocket.

'Thank god.' I sighed and my knees almost gave in. I staggered and nearly dropped my phone, before shoving it back in my pocket.

'Oh shit – um, Bella, I think you're still in shock. Come on, we need to get you somewhere to sit down.' I felt his hands support my back and my heart faltered again, sending my head skywards.

I barely noticed the late night shoppers hurrying past as he manoeuvred me gently through the street, past the chemists and the fancy-dress shop, the orangey warmth of the lights soothing me, and calming my head until my churning sea of thoughts became a still blue ocean.


	6. Chapter 6

The short walk to Starbucks passed in a blur. Every now and then I could feel Dan's arm shift in position around my waist and he would murmur a few words of support as I staggered through the streets, my head still floating in the clouds.

'Okay now you can relax, while I go and order two lattes.' said Dan cheerfully. He led me over to a table and watched as I sat down, before going to the till and ordering our drinks.

I watched him at the till, my mind spinning. I was still in shock… Nothing was making sense. Only this morning I'd had no idea who Dan Howell was; now I'd not only met him but also realised how much I liked him – and then my whole life and IPhone had been saved by his fair hands.

_Oh shit, speaking of IPhones_, I thought suddenly._ Mum is going to be so worried about me. I've been ages!_

I texted her hurriedly, making up some lie about how I'd met Carla and we were now having a coffee in Starbucks. The truth of course, was far more beautiful; the beautiful part being Dan, the less beautiful part being the money that had been stolen and the non-existent milk carton that I should have been carrying home for Mum.

'Everything okay?' Dan asked. I noticed how cute he looked – standing tall and slightly awkwardly, holding two steaming hot lattes.

'Yeah, everything's fine. I needed to text my Mum; she's going to think I've been raped and kidnapped or something.' Only as I finished the sentence did I realise the irony of my words.

Dan chuckled. 'I'm guessing you're not going to tell her what actually happened.'

I sniggered stupidly. 'Oh god, no.' Feeling grateful to whoever had invented coffee, I took a lot hot sip of my latte. 'She'd probably never let me out the flat again if I did. But I suppose that wouldn't be a problem – I'd always have Muse and the internet to keep me company.'

Dan's eyes widened and his face lit up. 'Oh my god, Bella, I now officially love you.'

I laughed quizzically. 'What? Why? What have I done to earn this?'

Dan gestured wildly, his mouth partially filled with coffee. He looked so cute it almost hurt. 'Muse! I love them.' He said, almost choking.

'Dan, are you okay? You've gone a little red.' I observed, trying not to laugh. He coughed for a few seconds before swigging the last few centimetres of coffee and sighing contently.

'Yep, I'm fine. I'm just very excited to have met another Muse fan.'

Laughing, I finished off my latte. 'Well, what can I say?!'

'High five for awesome people who like Muse!' Dan said laughing, holding out his palm. I high fived him back. For that one tiny little moment, my chest nearly exploded as my heart thudded furiously in its casing of muscle. His eyes met mine and I could have sworn that something passed between us… And then, for one weird, blissful second he took my hand and suddenly I realised how close our faces were. He was going to kiss me… Dan Howell was going to kiss me. I could feel the heat of his breath caressing my face – I could almost feel his lips, soft and perfect against mine, I was so close to the most perfect moment of my life.

But then, destroying the moment completely, my IPhone beeped, signifying a new message.

Dan looked away suddenly, and released my hand, his eyes suddenly shy and ashamed, so cute my eyes stung. 'S- Sorry… Bella, I don't know what- ' he murmured. Then, before I could say anything, he changed the subject. 'Was that your Mum texting?'

'Yep.' I sighed, trying to forget about what had almost just happened. 'She wants me to come home.' I looked up at him. His eyes were clearly hiding some hidden emotion…Disappointment perhaps? He looked down quickly, as if he realised what I was thinking and he was ashamed about it. Slowly he stood up, the veiled emotion still lurking behind his long brown eyelashes. My heart wavered faintly as he took my hand.

'I'll walk you home… Those dickheads are probably still down in the park.' he said, his voice almost protective. 'And you're still in shock…so you'd probably fall over into a river or something and drown.'

I laughed. 'Come on – I'm not that bad, Dan.'

'Umm…' He began teasingly. I felt more at ease, now that the strange look in his eyes had gone and was replaced with the usual sparky cheekiness that I'd gotten so used to in the past few minutes.

I slapped his arm lightly. 'You'll be in a river if you're not careful!' I said flippantly, standing up.

He laughed and took my hand again, and the lightheaded feeling overpowered me again. I had to stop my knees from giving in and brutally dropping me onto the tiled floor.

'You sure you're okay to walk?' he asked, his eyes concerned.

I nodded, determined not to show myself up as weak and fragile in front of him. 'Yeah, I've got this.'

The rain had stopped while we'd been in Starbucks and the pavement was wet beneath my feet, the air moist and fresh with the essence of rain. I could hear the comforting sound of Dan's plimsolls, thudding softly in the wet next to me as we walked. My Converse were soaked with mud, the orange and white now a gloomy muddy brown. Mum was going to kill me. But I was too wrapped up in my own glowing bubble that somehow contained Dan in it.

'Hey - we should do this again.' Dan said abruptly. I looked at him. His eyes had that weird, concealed feeling in them again.

'Minus the getting mugged part?' I said, smiling. My head was pounding…Dan was asking me to come out with him again… Almost like a _date_.

'Yes, that bit we'll try to avoid.' He said, his smile so sincere and cute that my legs almost buckled.

I was silent for a few seconds…Trying to digest what had just happened. My eyes began to sting again – but I wasn't unhappy – far from it. My insides were glowing.


	7. Chapter 7

The rain had stopped while we'd been in Starbucks and the pavement was wet beneath my feet, the air moist and fresh with the essence of rain. I could hear the comforting sound of Dan's plimsolls, thudding softly in the wet next to me as we walked. My Converse were soaked with mud, the orange and white now a gloomy muddy brown. Mum was going to kill me. But I was too wrapped up in my own glowing bubble to really mind.

'Hey - we should do this again.' Dan said abruptly. I looked at him. His eyes had that weird, concealed look in them again.

'Minus the getting mugged part?' I said, smiling. My head was pounding…Dan was asking me to come out with him again… Almost like a _date_.

'Yes, that bit we'll try to avoid.' He said, his smile so sincere and cute that my legs almost buckled.

I was silent for a few seconds…Trying to digest what had just happened. My eyes began to sting again – but I wasn't unhappy – far from it. My insides were glowing. It took a few moments for me to realise I'd stopped walking and was staring stupidly at the pavement.

'Bella, are you okay?' Dan asked.

I nodded slowly. 'Yeah, I guess I didn't think I'd be… I never thought that you'd want to spend time with me. I'm just surprised…'

Dan's eyes clouded over again, the disguised emotion still prowling there. He looked down at the floor, and his grip on my hand slackened slightly. 'I'm sorry… I – I didn't mean to like… push you into anything-'

_Oh god, I've offended him- Bella, you twat._

I took his hand back and entwined my fingers through his. He looked down at me, his eyes cutely surprised. I felt his fingers relax in my grip and I smiled softly. 'Dan, please just forget what I said. Basically...Oh god this sounds so stupid… But I don't feel like I deserve any of this. You're famous for craps sake – I'm just so insignificant,' I stammered. I felt my face grow hot as a warm blush spread across my cheeks. 'I'm sorry… just today's been so crazy-'

He kissed me. Dan Howell kissed me. My heart stopped as his lips pressed against mine, soft, perfect and sweet. I felt his arms wrap around my waist and pull my body in against his, soft brown hair falling against my forehead. For those few seconds I was infinite. I slipped my arms around his shoulders and pulled him closer, not wanting this immeasurable moment to end.

After a few perfect seconds, he pulled gently away, his right hand still softly resting around my waist. I stared up at him, my cheeks hot.

'Sorry – couldn't resist any longer.' he murmured. 'Is Friday a good time for you?'

I nodded, unable to speak.

'Okay. Meet me at the park at five.' he said, his arm still looped around my waist.

'For Starbucks?' I asked softly, my voice finally returning.

Dan smiled and my heart cut out again. 'Yes. For Starbucks.'


	8. Chapter 8

'So, I'll see you Friday.' Dan said.

We'd reached the door to my flat – Dan had insisted to walk the whole way with me, saying that I needed someone to keep an eye out for trouble as I was somehow always getting myself into scrapes. I had denied this, but couldn't bring myself to let go of his hand so I took up the offer without protest.

'Yeah.' I murmured. My eyes connected with his and he smiled – a soft, perfect smile that dominated my vision with pleasure.

We stood there for a few seconds, our hands still linked, his thumb gently caressing my fingers. Slowly, I forced myself to turn away and opened the door of my flat. I stepped through onto my landing.

'Bye, Dan.' I whispered.

'Till Friday.' he replied, and his coffee-charcoal eyes were the last thing I saw as I gently inched the door closed.

I leant against the shut door, my eyes closed. I smiled so hard my lips ached and listened to Dan's fading footsteps as the whir of the lift doors resounded through the thin walls of the flat.

'Bella!?' I heard my Mum walk briskly out of the kitchen and opened my eyes. She looked mad. Really mad – and worried to. 'Bella, where have you been? How long does a coffee take to drink? And did you even get the milk after all that?'

I groaned. For the next twenty minutes, I was treated to a full-on, heavy-duty lecture from Mum. But it didn't – couldn't – get me down for long… Dan Howell, Danisnotonfire, the guy I had never even heard of twelve hours ago, had kissed me. I could almost feel his arms wrapped around me and his soft lips entwined with mine as we stood in the cold twilight air outside Starbucks, our bodies so close I could smell the soft, sweet scent of his clothes and the fresh fragrance of his hair.

Perfect, beautiful Dan had fallen for stupid, flawed Bella.

How had it happened…?


	9. Chapter 9

Wednesday passed in a blur of shopping, Twitter and nerves. I scoured every shop in Manchester for an outfit appropriate for my 'date' with Dan, pushing through the throngs of students on holiday-break clutching onto the vague hope that when I wore the contents of the shopping bags clamped in my fingers, they would somehow improve my appearance.

Thursday evening was upon me before I knew it, and I was sitting on my bed in a layered vest and shorts on the phone to Carla.

'You're going on a date…with Dan?' she whispered, as I'd told her what had happened.

I sighed. I'd only just recovered from my shock – no wonder she was having problems coping with the news.

'Bella, I fucking hate you!' she said, laughing shakily. 'You're impossible – how did you manage it?'

'I don't know… It just happened. I can't explain – we went to Starbucks and… and he kissed me.' I said, waiting for the inevitable explosion that would erupt from my IPhone at any moment.

It came.

'Oh my fucking god Bella, Dan Howell kissed you!? Oh my god, are you kidding me? Seriously, did he actually kiss you? Oh my god, I'm literally dying right now- '

I left the phone on speaker and stood up, leaving Carla shouting down the line at me. As my eyes wandered to the mirror, a frown creased my face. I was a wreck. No way would Dan want to take me on a date like this… I glanced down at the clothes I'd bought; an acid wash ripped denim waistcoat with beaded tassels, some black hot-pants and some cheap wedge heeled Converse.

No, it wasn't at all girly or feminine… But I had to be true to myself, it was only right. I wanted Dan Howell to fall in love with Bella Levin, not anyone else.

I carefully edged my feet into the heeled Converse and stood up in front of my mirror. A small smile broke across my face. They were perfect; but as my eyes traced the lines of my legs, the smile diminished. I was hardly tanned, and the gap between my thighs made my knees look bony and thin – I had the figure of a dying maple tree.

'Bella, are you even listening to me? You haven't spoken for ten minutes.' Carla's voice shrieked from the phone line – even louder than before.

'Oh - yes. Sorry Car, I know you must be finding this hard,' I mumbled pathetically.

'Huh?' she said quizzically. 'What do you mean, Bells?'

Sighing, I began unlacing my shoes again. 'I mean, you must be jealous.'

Silence reigned for a few seconds, but of course, Carla broke it. 'Shit I'm jealous, Bells, but Dan is just… I would never consider a real relationship with him. He's just a celebrity-crush, not an actual, proper crush.' She paused. 'Did that make no sense?'

I shook my head, only remembering that she couldn't see me in the long silence that ensued.

'Bella, please stop ignoring me, it's really frustrating. I swear you're in your own little dream-world sometimes.' Carla said sharply.

'Okay, I get you.' I sighed again. 'Listen, Car. I really have to go now; I'll talk to you tomorrow.' I ended the call.

With Carla, it's sometimes necessary to just hang up. Otherwise conversations don't have boundaries – they'd last till midnight and she would still be talking full force about some meaningless gossip.

Sitting carefully down on my bed, I turned to my laptop that was sprawled on my bed, part of the keyboard obscured by a pair of jeans. As I shifted it onto my lap, something suddenly flashed on my screen.

It was a new tweet…From Danisnotonfire.

I could feel everything melting around me like a watercolour painting in the rain. My eyes hungrily darted to the screen.

_'Hey B, really looking forward to tomorrow xx'_

A thousand thoughts bombarded my head – all at the same time. He actually cared. Dan cared about me enough to tweet me, and tell me how much he wanted to see me, even though it was going to cause uproar from his fans.

The uproar came… in under five seconds.

'_Fuck, some bitch stole my Dan.'_

_ 'Oh… you have a girlfriend now.'_

_ 'She's not even pretty. Fucking ugly bitch.'_

_ 'Dan, what were you thinking?'_

_ 'Bitch.'_


	10. Chapter 10

Insecurity drained my eyes dry that night as I cried myself to sleep. No one liked me anymore… I'd been getting so much hate – only a few people seemed to hold any understanding for me, and even they seemed false and unnatural.

By midnight there was even a hate campaign against me. By one-am, my eyes were red from crying, red from the abuse that was being fired at me every few minutes. Everything about me was wrong in the eyes of the fans… My hair, my clothes, my name, even my age. I was going to university in September, and even that seemed to be a problem – apparently I was too dumb to make it to Manchester University.

My two-am, my self-esteem had fallen to rock-bottom.

So had my popularity.

But then, amongst the floods of hate I was getting, came an explosion. It was Dan… He'd messaged me - a private message this time; almost destroying my already emotionally drained heart.

It contained only two words, and a number.

'_Call me.'_

I seized my IPhone, my vision blurred through the tears that were crowding my eyes. My fingers hovered nervously over the screen as I added Dan to my contacts list, my lips still trembling from the crying. I didn't know whether to call him or not… He'd asked me to, yes. But no… I didn't deserve him and I never would. The fans were right – he was too perfect to have any time for someone as insignificant, stupid and ugly as me… But I couldn't resist; the desperate temptation to hear the sound of his voice was too much for my willpower to manage.

I called him… Just like that.

_What if he doesn't pick up? Maybe he doesn't like me; _I worried to myself as the phone rang slowly – painfully slowly.

'Bella?' he asked. His voice was anxious – almost ashamed – so smooth and perfect even through the mixed emotions I could sense.

'Dan.' I said, my voice thick from the tears. 'I'm sorry, your fans – they hate me…'

'Forget them.' He murmured. 'I like you, and they'll have to get used to that. I'm really sorry about that; I never meant that to happen to you…'

I felt a lump form in my throat. 'Don't be sorry. You don't need to be- '

Dan interrupted me. 'Bella, I… I don't know how to tell you how sorry I am, but maybe this will help?'

'What is it?' I asked, my curiosity taking over.

'Can I come in?' he asked.

'Dan… I don't understand.'

'I'm outside your flat, Bella.' He said, laughing softly. 'You are so bad at picking up hints.'

'Oh my god, what if my Mum wakes up?' I whispered, suddenly feeling so childish. Dan didn't live with his Mum – he was three years older than me and had his own flat. I cringed internally.

'Don't worry - I'll be quiet.' He chuckled.

'You better be.' I laughed shakily through the fading tears. 'I'll be right there.'

I hung up and began to frantically tidy my bed, throwing my clothes and shoes in my wardrobe and slamming my laptop and box of tissues onto my desk.

_Oh shit, I have a famous, hot boy outside and I have underwear scattered on the floor, _I thought, hastily throwing a pair of socks in behind a cupboard.

Adrenalin coursed through me. I looked awful, I realised; makeup was smeared across my face and as I caught my reflection in the mirror, I cringed. My eyes were black with eyeliner and most of my foundation has washed off, revealing blotchy tear stains and smudges of concealer.

_Hurry up, you twat,_ I mentally screamed at myself, padding across the landing and turning the key in the door, wincing at the noise of the gyrating metal that hurtled through the air.

I pulled open the door and tried not to gasp. Dan stood there, his hands in his pockets, smirking in the moonlight. But ask he caught sight of my tear-streaked face, his smile faded and he pulled me into an embrace, suddenly making everything okay again.


	11. Chapter 11

Dan pulled my body into his and we stood there for what felt like hours, my face against his chest and his hands slowly playing over my back. The world around us seemed to dissolve into an array of blurred insignificant colours as I felt his fingers trace down my spine so delicately it tingled as I faded into him. I felt complete like this; standing in the pale coils of moonlight, my body entwined with his, my hands exploring his chest.

'I'm so sorry about what happened.' he murmured, his lips grazing my ear as he spoke. I didn't reply – I couldn't. Nothing was quite making sense… There I was, standing outside my Mum's flat, wrapped in the arms of Dan Howell, my eyes still wet from crying. How was this happening to me? I didn't deserve it, I knew that much.

Somehow, he sensed the uncertainty that was washing over me. 'B?'

I felt him pull away slightly, and his fingers found mine. He held them softly and I melted under the dark russet sunset in his eyes. 'I shouldn't be here.' I mumbled weakly.

'No, you shouldn't, you bad girl. You should be fast asleep in bed.' he teased softly, grazing my lips with his. My heart beat out an uneven rhythm as he pulled away.

'Dan… I didn't mean it like that.' I whispered, closing my eyes and falling under the darkness of my thoughts. 'I don't deserve you. The fans are right…'

Dan kissed me softly again, his lips warm and sweet, leaving my jaw burning. 'Bella, don't you dare say that again.' He placed a forefinger over my lips and I closed my eyes again, warmth spreading through me. I wasn't sure how much time passed, all I could feel was his body against mine, our breathing the only sound that disturbed the perfect, moonlit silence.

Then everything was shattered. I heard a creak of bed springs from through the door of my Mum's bedroom. Frantically, I glanced up at Dan, clinging onto his hands.

'I'm not sure I want you to go…' I whispered.

'I'll see you tomorrow,' he murmured softly, before lightly touching his lips to my cheek and fading into the darkness of the stairwell.

My lips burning, I closed the door and disappeared into my room, dimming the light and settling underneath the bed covers before anything else bad could ruin the moment.

My date with Dan couldn't come soon enough.


	12. Chapter 12

I was pulled from my sleep by bright, penetrating daylight that was streaming through the curtains. Drowsily, I rolled over looked at my watch…

I'd overslept. It was already ten thirty… Not that it mattered that much. Dan was due to meet me at five, so I had a good amount of time to prepare myself emotionally and physically for the sight of his face. I pulled myself away from the pillows and washed my face, nervously awaiting the appearance of a spot or blemish in the mirror; luckily, my face looked mark-free for now. My eyes, I noticed were the same oaky brown colour as Dan's. Something fluttered in my chest at the realisation. My eyes were slightly lighter than his though, lacking the crucial depth that made them uniquely his.

I yawned sleepily, steaming up the mirror with condensation. Caramel-brown hair tumbled over my forehead, knotted and wavy – dry and puffy like cotton. I pushed it roughly behind my ear; it was going to take a lot of work to get it looking nice for Dan.

Four-thirty pm came in a haze of nerves. I was sat on my bed, peering into the mirror, carefully inserting bobby-pins into the bun of hair that I'd piled onto my head. As I was carefully stabbing in the final pin, my IPhone vibrated and began playing my favourite Muse song – 'Time Is Running' out. Dan's name was flashing on the screen.

A smile creased my lips and I picked it up.

'Hey, Dan.' I said softly, feeling his name roll off my tongue.

'Hey, you feeling better?' he asked, sounding genuinely anxious. I then heard him whisper something urgently in the background that sounded like, 'Pzzhill shuddup!'

'Huh?' I asked quizzically.

'Sorry, B, that was my flatmate Phil being a total dickhead in the background.' I overheard a stifled laugh from behind Dan's voice. 'Phil, piss off!' I head him hiss.

A wolf whistle came down the phone line. I blushed. 'Hi, Phil.' I said, feeling slightly confused.

'Hi…um, you're Bella right?' I heard Phil say loudly in the background, his voice muffled.

'Holy crap Phil, stop flirting with my- '

He stopped… He'd been about to say girlfriend, but had cut himself off.

'My 'what'?' I asked anxiously. Did he not want me? Did he not like me enough? Doubt washed through my bloodstream and I felt the saliva on my tongue turn cold.

I could almost sense him blushing on the other end of the phone. 'Sorry… I didn't mean to rush into- I wasn't thinking, sorry.'

'Dan, it's okay…' my voice had faded to a whisper.

'So you don't mind?' he asked anxiously.

I hesitated… I knew what I wanted to say, but was he happy with it? He must be, surely. He'd nearly said it himself. 'No. Dan, listen; as long as you're okay with that. I don't care, as long as you're happy with me. I was just looking for that confirmation…that you wanted me.' I paused, drawing in my breath. I felt warm and fuzzy inside, as if someone had pressed a hot water bottle against my chest.

'Well you don't need to look any further,' Dan breathed.

'Neither do you.' I whispered.


	13. Chapter 13

Barely thinking about what I was doing, I tied the thick white laces on my shoes, my chest glowing. Dan wanted me; the truth was so beautifully domineering. I grabbed my IPhone and beaded handbag and set out, my eyes stinging with anticipation. Dan's face appeared in my mind, fresh chocolate eyes and caramel-coffee hair that fell in the perfect, haphazard arrangement around the smooth contours of his face – I was still in constant doubt. How could someone so beautiful fall for me? I was so unimportant – yet another insect on a bright, colourful flower.

I'd never even dated a boy before. Of course they'd been the stupid, shallow flings at high school that had lasted for sometimes less than a day; but this was new. My first real boyfriend was Dan Howell – the famous internet 'cult leader', as he called himself. A smile crept onto my lips as I locked the door of the flat behind me.

Ten minutes later, I was out of the building and into the fresh spring air. The sun was low in the sky and warm yellowy hues slid amongst the flats, bouncing off the glass in the windows and into my eyes. Squinting, I turned the corner into the park, butterflies hammering in my chest.

There was Dan. Yes, Dan was there…in the arms of another girl.


	14. Chapter 14

My heart came to an abrupt, ugly stop in my chest and my breath faltered in my lungs. Dan's shoulders were clutched in the hands of a pretty, blonde girl whose lips were entwined with his. I could feel tears brimming on my waterlines and a small sob escaped my throat, hesitating in my mouth before it came along with tears that fell silently down my cheeks, cutting through my foundation.

I could only stand and stare; my eyes blurred and my vision swaying unnervingly. In less than two seconds, my world had collapsed into black chaos.

The blonde girl released Dan and I watched as she flirted with him, pale platinum hair, bouncing around her shoulders. Suddenly, I felt so inadequate… My hair felt heavy and dark in the bun and my outfit felt false and unnatural compared to her tiny denim skirt and crop top that exposed a large amount of fake-tanned flesh.

Then Dan looked round… and he saw me. The sudden flood of shame in his eyes was almost too painful to look at, but my head was spinning and all I could do was stand and stare, my body frozen to cold, unsympathetic ice.

Seeming to forget the blonde girl, he began to walk towards me. I reacted in a slow blur, spinning round and running, not sure where or why I was going. His footsteps pounded behind mine and his voice was hoarse and pained as he shouted my name, desperately begging for me to stop.

But I couldn't.

How could I go back now? He'd hurt me – he'd betrayed me to another girl – a girl so much prettier, sexier, curvier than me. That was what pained me – I thought he was different, that maybe he'd loved me for me; I'd trusted him with my heart and soul. And now everything had fallen apart in a kiss that wasn't mine.

After what felt like hours of running, I stopped, a painful stitch forming in my stomach. Staggering, I shuffled to a stop, leaning against the nearest wall. I didn't know where I was, all I cared about was that Dan didn't love me… But I had known that all along, surely. Why would he love me? I was just another stupid girl that had fallen for him, what was so special about me?

I could feel sobs filling my throat now, black mascara emptying into my eyes and spraying my sight with blobs of painful black that stung my eyes like lemon juice.

A hand rested on my shoulder and I could hear short, pained breaths.

_Dan._

I opened my stinging eyes and his face drifted into focus, inches from mine. His eyes were in so much torment that it hurt to look into them, but I couldn't let them get to me. It was over with him – he'd betrayed me, I had to stop looking back. In a trance, I felt his warm breath tickle my skin and the smell of his hair, soft and fresh in my nose, like the smell of grass and lemon on a summer-morning breeze.

Pushing it away, I crushed my back against the wall, cringing away from his tortured face. His hands cupped my cheeks, but I pushed him away, violently shoving my hands against his chest.

He stumbled backwards, desperately murmuring my name, over and over again in a soft whispering mantra.

'I'm sorry…let me explain-' he began, his voice cracked and fragile – china on the verge of splitting and falling apart.

'NO!' I screamed. 'No, you fucking bastard! Get away from me.' I lurched forwards, tears tumbling down my cheeks in grey-ish, mascara filled waterfalls.

His eyes were filling with tears now, and the look on his face almost hurt too much to look at.

'I trusted you!' I shouted wildly. 'For fucks sake, I trusted you – I thought we were together!'

I buckled over, folding my hands against my chest, feeling the stitch dig into my ribs. Dan was standing a metre away from me, his hands hanging limply down by his sides, his face streaked with tears.

'I'm sorry… Just leave me alone.' I sobbed, anger still boiling inside me.

Then, taking one last look at his grief-stricken eyes, I ran.


	15. Chapter 15

I fell into my bed as soon as I arrived back, running past Mum, ignoring her questions and surprise. The covers enveloped me in a thick blanket, trapping me away from the world, cold sweat staining the fabric as it broke out on my forehead. Nothing could soften the pain. Once again, my world was missing its final puzzle piece, and once again, I felt incomplete and raw, like a fresh cut seeping blood.

Over the hours or minutes – I couldn't tell – the bedclothes around me became wet with tears and smudged with black eyeliner. My IPhone kept ringing and ringing, but I didn't – couldn't – pick up. It would be Dan. And I couldn't speak to him after he'd betrayed me like that.

Slowly, my sobs faded and I fell into a dark abyss of sleep.

Blinding daylight cut through the thin fabric of my duvet, forcing my eyelids open. I cowered in the sunlight like a kitten opening its eyes for the first time. But when I thought about it, that analogy fitted me a little too well; I'd been trapped in the blind darkness of my own foolishness – giving myself to Dan – and now I'd opened my eyes to his betrayal, and nothing anyone could say or do would change that.

I was over him.

Numbly, I pushed the covers aside, and rolled my body into a small ball, silently crying into my knees, wishing the ground would eat me up and never expose me to the cold, harsh world of reality again.

I remembered the perfect moment when he'd kissed me for the first time – in the middle of Manchester under the warm fuzzy glow of the street lights, our bodies so close I could feel his heart beating against mine. Now, I felt a black hole where my heart had been, swallowing down everything into a void of blind pain that was slowly eating away at my head, gnawing at my conscience and drowning me in the agony of what had happened.

The weird thing was, I'd only known him for a few days and already my heart had belonged to him. Although I hated to admit it, I was fairly sure it still did.


	16. Chapter 16

The next few days passed in a mess of crying and sleeping. I hadn't even changed out of my pyjamas for several days, and my hair was tangled and messy, filled with knots and shards of dried mascara, half of which still lined my cheeks in uneven black train-tracks.

My mouth was dry and my stomach hurt from the lack of food that I'd consumed. Mum had forced me to eat a small marmalade sandwich, but that was all I'd managed to eat or drink in the past two days. Black pain still consumed my chest, and I felt empty like a book with no words, a body without a soul.

My IPhone still rang constantly, but I'd turned it onto silent to prevent the inevitable pain. I apparently had fifty-nine missed calls, and seventeen voicemails. All from Dan… But I'd left that part of me behind in the housing estate where I'd pushed him away and told him to leave me alone. And that's what the rest of the world had done – even Carla had stopped calling me and I hadn't even turned my laptop on to check Facebook or Twitter, to see if anyone had tried to contact me.

There was a knock on my door. I didn't bother responding, I didn't want to speak to anyone.

'Bells?' Mum stood there, holding a tray of food – toast and honey with a warm coffee.

I shifted position slightly but didn't answer. My mouth felt too dry and sore to form any words.

'You need to eat.' she said firmly. 'You're going to get anorexia if you're not careful, sweetheart.'

I didn't care, but I didn't feel I could worry her any further. I had to at least try to eat something – and the toast did look good, still hot and brown from the toaster.

Forcing a dry-mouthed smile through my chapped lips, I took the tray from her and murmured a small, barely audible 'Thanks.'

She patted my shoulder softly and sat down next to me. I wasn't in the mood for conversation and my body wasn't going to let me say more than one word without launching me into tears again. I began to nibble at the toast. It was warm and dry, but the honey moistened my tongue and I felt some of the life come back into my mouth.

'You've never actually told me what happened, Bells.' Mum said softly. 'You haven't talked to me anything for days. Why are you so sad?'

I shrugged, and handed her my phone. 'I'm sure one of these answer phone messages will tell you.' I whispered croakily.

I didn't enjoy Mum listening to my messages, but I'd prefer that than have to go through all the pain of explaining what was wrong with me. I couldn't speak Dan's name that was for sure – I couldn't even hear it without pain filling my empty chest.

Mum's face creased as I watched her listen. Finally she put the phone down.

'Who's Dan, Bella?' she asked concernedly. 'What's he done to you? He sounds upset.'

I cringed as she said his name. 'He's… He's just… we were together, but… he- he- hurt me.' I whispered, tears filling my eyes again.

Mum was silent for a second. 'How did he hurt you?'

'He was with another girl.' I mumbled. 'He tried to explain, but I didn't let him. I told him to leave me alone.' Tears began to streak down my cheeks.

'Oh I'm sorry, dear.' she said sadly. She didn't understand – of course she didn't.

After watching me eat my toast silently, she left me alone again; alone with my phone, alone with Dan's messages. My chest ached furiously. I had to listen to them.

With shaking fingers I picked up my phone and listened to the last message. Pain engulfed me as I heard his voice.

_'Bella, please talk to me, you didn't let me explain. I wasn't with that girl – she was a fan – she ran up to me and kissed me, I couldn't stop her, she wouldn't let me go, I'm sorry. Please ring me, I miss you, I… I … I love you.'_


	17. Chapter 17

Dan's message had hurt me even more. Fresh tears were now forming in my eyes and falling down my cheeks. He loved me.

He said he'd loved me, but how could I believe him? After all, he'd been kissing another girl, but he'd said she'd been a particularly enthusiastic fan. More tears stung my cheeks. I knew I had to do something… I couldn't just sit here sobbing days away whilst Dan was beating himself up so badly. One of the many problems was what was I actually supposed to do? Dan was in so much torment – so was I – we hadn't spoken for days and the pain in my chest was growing bigger like a rose thorn inserted into my flesh, the skin around it becoming infected and painful.

Abruptly, I stood up. I had to go and see him. I didn't know where Dan lived, but I had to find out somehow. As I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, the ghastliness of my appearance shocked me into determination. I had to clean myself up and find him, however much it hurt me.

Ten minutes later I was in sweatpants and my studded waistcoat, my hair in a messy, haphazard bun and my face clear from the solidified smudges of makeup and tears. I barely bothered with foundation or eyeliner – my desperation to be in Dan's strong, supporting arms too strong to be weighed down with insignificant vanity.

Mum looked up in surprise as I raced into the kitchen, my IPhone and keys clutched in my hands, my muddy orange converse messily shoved onto my feet, the laces loosely done up in strange, messy knots.

'Bella? Where are you going?' she asked, her face creased in suspicion. 'Wait…Bella. Tell me where you're going, right now.'

I stopped and looked at her. 'What?' I asked. 'Mum, just don't worry about me, okay? I'll be back later.'

Without waiting for a reply, I hurried out the door and into the lift, slamming down the button for the ground floor. I didn't know where I was going – Dan's location was a mystery to me, but I was pretty sure he lived nearby. On one of his videos on YouTube, he'd filmed out of his window that looked out onto the Strangeways Maximum Security Prison nearby. I knew where that was; all I had to do after that was work out the exact location of Dan's flat. It couldn't be too hard, surely.

The lift finally halted and I walked quickly out, exiting the building into cold morning air. It was cold and the wind was sharp and biting, digging into the exposed flesh on my arms. Goosebumps broke out on my skin but I didn't pay any attention to them – I had to find Dan.


	18. Chapter 18

There it was, Strangeways prison. I stood in front of it, looking up at the blocks of flats around it, my breathing heavy from walking so far. There were so many windows…So many people lived here.

_Dan is through one of those windows, _I thought softly. Some of the emptiness in my chest faded and I felt my heart flutter slightly, like the wings of a dying butterfly.

I started off in the first flat… Twenty two floors, each one containing several residents. From the video in which Dan had showed the view of Strangeways, he'd clearly been in a flat higher up the building than the first few floors. So I went in, knocking on doors, asking for Dan Howell.

The first door opened to reveal a black guy in jeans and a hoodie. He scowled at me and I recoiled nervously.

'What do you want?' he demanded. Over his shoulder I could see a group of guys sitting drinking Monster in front of a flat screen; they were all looking at me, some sniggering at me.

_Be brave, _I encouraged myself. I couldn't give up, I was doing this for Dan's sake and I couldn't let him down.

'Erm, hi. Do you know Dan Howell?' I asked weakly.

'Now look sweetheart, I don't know who the fuck 'Dan Howell' is, alright? Now get lost.' he said, his aggressive, city accent making his words sound even more threatening than they would do otherwise.

'Kay… well thanks.' I mumbled. I heard the guys in the background laugh at my fragile voice and I walked away.

I tried flat after flat, knocking on more and more doors before finally, a friendly looking woman in her thirties was able to help me.

'Oh, Dan Howell? He's on the nineteenth floor, darling – don't know what flat number, sorry. Hope you find him.' She smiled and closed the door before I could thank her.

The nineteenth floor… I was on the eighth.

Hurrying even more now, I grabbed the lift up, my fingers drumming impatiently on my thighs. Adrenalin clogged my veins and I felt my heart scream as the lift rattled higher and higher. Dan needed me – the phone messages he'd left me said that much. His voice had been desperate and rough as if he'd been crying… Dan Howell, _crying_. I couldn't imagine his soft, perfect eyes falling into that kind of disarray. I didn't want to imagine it, it was painful to think of and my head hurt.

After a few painful minutes of tense anticipation, the lift gyrated to a stop and the doors slid open. I was there, floor nineteen.

For a few indistinct moments I stood uncertainly in the white corridor. The stairs were next to me – leading all the way down to the flats on floor one, and I looked down feeling dizzy. A sudden urge to jump and end the pain overcame me – suicide. An escape route… But who the hell did I think I was kidding? I couldn't – wouldn't – ever do it… The pain I would cause, it would be too unfair to those left behind. And anyway, I was too weak and pathetically scared to push myself that far.

Taking a long, deep breath, I knocked on the first door.

Footsteps faded into existence and the door opened. A tall, black-haired guy in a purple printed t-shirt and skinny jeans stood there, his face hiding layers of concern under the false, expectant smile.

'Um, hello, can I help you?' he asked. I recognised the voice… Phil. Thinking about it, I also recognised him from some of Dan's YouTube videos.

'You're Phil, right?' I asked anxiously.

'Yep, that's me.' He said, smiling. 'Hang on a second… Oh my god, you're Bella aren't you?' His expression changed suddenly, his mouth flattening into a grimace and his eyes growing urgent.

'Yeah…' I started. 'Is Dan-'

Phil cut me off, not bothering to hide the worry anymore. 'Yes, Dan's there. He's not great at the moment,' he stopped and glanced back over his shoulder at a door behind him. 'He's been really down since… whatever happened between you the other day, and I'm not sure what to do if I'm honest. He's not telling me anything, he won't even eat anything, and I'm really worried about him.'

As he spoke I was immediately reminded of myself… The way I'd holed up in my room, not eating, just sleeping, crying and breathing. 'Can…Can I see him?' I mumbled weakly.

Phil nodded, and stepped aside, gesturing for me to come inside.


	19. Chapter 19

Phil led me into a large sitting room, indicating for me to sit down. The room was complete with all the black leather sofas and the large flat-screen television I'd seen in Dan's YouTube videos, causing my fragile heart to stumble. It smelled of Dan – Dan's personality was painted on everything around me, the scent of his washing powder dusting the furniture like the daylight that streamed through the large sliding windows that opened onto a small balcony.

'Where is he?' I asked Phil, feeling uncomfortable. I didn't know Phil – I'd only just met him and I felt out of place, sitting in his flat, on his leather sofa, my dirty shoes hovering above the cream carpet.

'He's…not in good state. He's in his room.' Phil paused and began to make some drinks. 'But before you see him, will you tell me what happened? He hasn't spoken to me since before he went out on Friday. I'm worried about him.'

Phil offered me a cup of coffee and I took it gratefully, sipping slowly before I spoke. 'It's complicated…' I began. I explained to him what had happened, tears beginning to fill my eyes towards the end, as I blurted out how I'd pushed him away, cursing and swearing in his tortured face.

I sniffed, feeling embarrassed. 'Sorry…' I mumbled.

'Er… Um, here you go.' Phil handed me a box of tissues and I took one gratefully, dabbing at my eyes. 'I'm sorry about what happened.' he said, his light blue eyes sincere and concerned. I felt awkward and stupid. There I was, sitting and crying in front of a famous YouTuber who I barely knew the name of, divulging out my love life in a mess of sniffing and sobbing.

'It's me that should be sorry,' I whispered. 'I never let Dan explain; I hurt him.'

'So would you like to see him?' Phil asked.

I nodded gratefully, and carefully lowered my mug of coffee onto a nearby coffee table, that was covered in CDs and Dan's famous llama hat.

My heart hammering,I followed Phil out of the lounge and back out onto the landing. Phil knocked on one of the other doors.

'Dan?' he called. 'There's someone to here to see you,'

No answer came.

Phil shrugged and pushed open the door. He nodded for me to enter and left me alone to face Dan, his face in a reassuring half-smile.

Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw next. Dan was curled up on his bed in a ball, his headphones over his ears and his face turned away into his chest. He was so still I couldn't even tell if he was breathing or not – but as I entered the room, he abruptly stood up, ripping off his headphones and throwing them viciously onto his desk. They fell against his keyboard, knocking over a box of tissues.

'You left me!' he shouted.

I recoiled, feeling another surge of tears sting me eyes. He hated me; the anger was settled deep in his eyes and it burned me to look at them. My eyes wandered down to his chest – his dark red checked shirt was unbuttoned halfway down and I couldn't help but stare at the soft contours of his chest. His face was blotched and tinged red around his eyes, his hair ruffled and stuck up at odd angles – seeing the intense pain I'd caused him hurt almost as much as seeing him in the arms of another girl.

'I'm sorry, Dan…' I began, feeling my heart split at the seams. The raw pain in his tear-streaked face was almost too much and I felt my legs dissolving into paper cut-outs.

'Do you have any fucking idea how much I missed you?' he cried, his voice cracking. He dissolved into desperate tears, covering his face with his hands and dropping down onto the bed.

Hesitating, I felt tears fall silently down my cheeks, before I sat down next to him on the bed, resting my head against his shoulders. My cheek was wet from the tears that stained both his shirt and my face, and I could feel his body shake uncontrollably as he cried into his palms, the ragged agony in his eyes hidden by his fingers. I'd never felt so guilty in my life.


	20. Chapter 20

As we sat, buried in each other's misery, I felt Dan's arms slip around my waist and he pulled my body into his, his embrace so desperate and beautiful that I felt fire erupt inside me. This time, I was the one that found his lips, letting his tongue slip inside my lips, exploring my mouth and once more completing my world with that one missing puzzle piece.

I desperately wanted more – pressing myself into him, lifting my legs up onto the bed and wrapping them around his waist, feeling his hands explore my back, running through my hair and tracing back down my spine. Everything around me seemed to black out – it was as if the whole world was spinning entirely for us – the universe rotating around us in a spiral of infinity as he kissed me.

For a second he pulled away, his eyes meeting mine.

'I'm sorry, Bella.' he whispered, drowning me in the desperation that was still hurting his eyes.

'You don't need to be,' I murmured, closing my eyes and pressing my lips to his. We fell back onto the bed and he rolled over, his body hovering above mine. I felt his breath, soft and warm on my face and his lips soft and moist as they grazed my cheeks before meandering softly back to my mouth. My heart was complete again and I could feel the black hole that had resided in my chest for days diminishing, being replaced with a warm blurry sense of contentment.

'I listened to your messages,' I said softly. 'I love you too, Dan.'

He blushed and shifted so that he was laid next to me, my back pressed against his chest, his arms around my waist. I could feel his face against mine, his hair feathery and wavy against my cheek.

'I've been waiting days to hear that,' Dan murmured. He found my hand and caressed my fingers with his thumb. I tucked my head into his chest, listening to his heart beating in unison with mine. I didn't want the moment to end – I was in his arms once again, and this time I had no intention of leaving them.


End file.
